Adult Jokes
There was a Lawyer, a Vicar, a School Teacher and his Pupils on an Airplane. The Plane Engines Explode. The School Teacher says
"We're Three Parachutes Short. I Think the Three Adults Should Stay Behind and Give the Parachutes to the Children."
The Layer Said,
"Fuck the Kids"
And The Vicars Said,
"Is there time ?..."
One Liners
We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her.......or something like that.I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Sorry, I don't date outside my speciesSometimes I wake up grumpy.....Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.......Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.Your kid may have a first class degree but your still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
My karma ran over my dogma.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
Jesus Loves You.....everyone else thinks your a Twat!There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Lord save me from your followers.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
Don't be sexist - birds hate that
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
Practice Safe Sex. Go Fuck Yourself.
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
Constipated people don't give a crap.Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.